Post one of four in the “Difficult with the D Words” series.
The other three can be found by clicking on each word below:
This was originally going to be one post called “The Difficulty with D Words”…until I realized realized that it was waaaaay too fucking long and could easily be separated into individual posts. Been going through a personal Renaissance of sorts lately, and as such there’s been a metric fuckton to process. Four words, though, have been tripping me up the most. The first is…
So, way back when I first got into kink, I started as mostly submissive. I had a few fantasies where I was dominant, but it all started in submission. My best friend once pointed out to me that they thought I was a service-oriented submissive and few things have felt truer.
…and also, I eventually figured out I was a switch. Granted my submissive side still runs juuuust a little deeper than my dominant side, but they are both definitely there.
In my first long term relationship, I started as a sub for about two years, and then as my first partner and I fell in love with someone else, we both became her dominants in a ten year triad. Throughout most of the relationship, I was both submissive and dominant. It was a challenging headspace, but aside from all the new poly growing pains we had (when I had couple privilege and insecurity seeping out of every pore in my body) it was one I thoroughly enjoyed. I might have a penchant for complex things. Might.
After that relationship ended and they left me for each other, I shut down a bit. It was a rough ending in many ways and I doubted my abilities on either side of the slash. The first to come back out was my submissive side, since that still felt core to me. There was someone in my life at the time that could get into my head but that didn’t work for work and life reasons. Another person came into my life and within five minutes of meeting me at a burlesque show was asking if I was submissive. That person became a comet I interact with about once a year and usually when I do it’s a harbinger of explosive growth in my kink life.
Then there was the person who I had no thoughts of in a kink context whatsoever…until I literally turned one day, looked at their eyes, and lost all my words. I freaked out like I usually do thinking there was no way they could possibly be interested…until I took a chance to ask and they were. Turns out there’d been interest for years. Who knew?! But thing is….they could drop me with a look. The energy between us was off the charts, or at least it felt that way to me. We dove down a rabbit hole of a relationship, dodging many miles of issues…work, distance, metamours. For the longest time I couldn’t conceive of being anything other than submissive to them. My mind literally could not wrap around being a switch with them.
…until it could. Until I hit them with roses. Until wrestling with them became less about play and more about wanting to win (only won once. and it was worth every second for what happened after that night).
But I noticed an interesting thing happening as this relationship progressed. When we would go hard in scene with me in a submissive place I tended to bounce back up after aftercare. Like. Way the fuck up. I would feel dominance coursing through my veins, but usually towards other people. One time after an awesome scene with this person, I bounced up so high I had three back to back rose flogging scenes on four people total. It was an epic day.
But my Domme side just…coming out of her own volition? That’s not been a thing that had happened…well, really at all, in the last few years.
…until it did. Until she came out and came out with a a force so strong it shocked the shit out of me. She’s elusive, though. I don’t really know the right combination of life to truly bring her out. I’ve kinda forced her out recently, with a combination of bounce and borderline service Toppiness, and pure desire (foreshadowing on an upcoming D word post). She was terrified, but curious. And exhilarated.
It seems she did pretty well, again. However, she’s still elusive. I’m trying to learn how to regularly and reliably bring her out of her own volition and not have to bottom to get there. I really fucking love how I feel when it happens. Likely I need to do more rose floggings, and connect more with people who are interested in my Dominant side (and I have a few tributes, which is awesome!), but that feels…scary as fuck. Dominance takes a different energy out of me that’s harder to replenish, if that makes sense.
Also, my Domme side has changed over the years. As I’ve learned more about energy play and started playing with people who also are energy players, she’s discovered a groundedness in her power that she really wants to explore more. Here’s to more opportunities.
And here’s to some music that’s helped me understand it:
I learned my truth
At least for now
Doing is the only way I know how
Oh, I hope, I hope you understand
But I’m gonna be who I am
-“The Phantom Cowboy” by K’s Choice
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