Post two of four in the “Difficult with the D Words” series.
The other three can be found by clicking on each word below:
This post is all about desire. Because desire is great and all…except that I struggle with it. I have a hard time asking for certain things I desire, most especially when they come to sex or physical attention. I’m also having some issues with not knowing how to handle my shit when regularly (and mostly randomly) aroused.
Most people who know me well know I can talk theory all damn day long. Gender, sexuality, kink, creativity. Fantasies, scene crafting, the benefits of cuddle piles, wading into the gray areas of life and love. But to say that I actively want a Thing in the sex or physical intimacy realm…that’s really fucking hard. Terrifying. The first time I heard “Girl Anachronism” by The Dresden Dolls, these lines gutted me:
Don’t call the doctors
‘Cause they’ve seen it all before
They’ll say just
Let her crash
The attention just encourages her
And the thing is…what’s so fucking wrong with admitting that you want attention? For me, one of the biggest problems is that when I was younger, everything I wanted or did was “too much”. Admitting my true feelings was always too much. I wasn’t allowed to want things to be different or better or happier or safer. It was shouted down, shamed into oblivion, silenced and twisted beyond recognition. That’s how to control abusive situations, after all. You can’t actually deal with them in broad daylight, because then it would show how absolutely fucked up they are.
I’ve recently begun watching “The Handmaid’s Tale” on Hulu and a scene in season one rocked me. One of the characters tried to escape (I don’t want to give spoilers) and was captured and brought back. When they got back, Aunt Lydia gave a lecture that ended with this:
The most painful thing is not the betrayal of trust…do you know what’s most painful? The most painful thing in this entire ugly incident is the ingratitude.
S. 1, Ep 4: “Nolite Te Bastardes Carborundorum”
And that’s the thing. That’s the thing that’s used against you. “How dare you do this when I’ve done so much for you? How dare you be upset, ask for more, ask for something different?”
Now, thiry-ish years later, I’m still trying to figure out how to have desires and needs in healthy ways without panicking that it’s too much. I’ve recently uncovered a latent kink connection/interest (which will be another and hardest D of all) that has blown open my sexual appetite. It’s a little overwhelming sometimes, as someone who finally found some peace in the gray ace identity. Someone who masturbated a couple times a week, maybe, and 97% of the time to help myself fall asleep. It took five, ten minutes, tops. A friend once helped break me out of that a little, tried to help me get in touch with my desires and sexuality, but it didn’t…really take.
Recently, though? I’m…. horny. Like…a lot. Someone I know posted on Fet recently that they might break their cunt from usage and I’ve…kinda had that feeling lately. I mean, not quite to the breaking point, but it’s, um, gotten a lot of vigorous usage of late.
Interestingly, I think it’s tied very much to feeling seen, heard, understood, respected….and nurtured. It’s strange to me in some ways that this is what’s lighting my cunt on fucking fire now. Previously, especially in the past few years, my sexual desire came mostly only after direct stimulation and/or from places of almost removing myself and focusing on someone else…cuckqueanery, submission, helping others with their desires, being on stage and dancing as a character…I didn’t have a really good handle on what I wanted, what made ME feel sexy, what I wanted when it came to sex.
I was and am incredibly responsive to other people’s desires and actively consented to be part of making things I listed above happen. But it’s still very new and vulnerable to me to be this fucking horny and to really…. want. To actively desire so regularly. To not just have ideas in my head but to have physical arousal…a lot. With nothing physical going on, most times.
I mean, it’s not like I’ve never had my own desires before. I have. But they were usually fairly chaste….kissing, making out. I love being touched. I know I have a crush on someone when I start thinking about kissing them. And when I have a crush, that’s ALL I think about. If we ever get to that point in real life, THEN my brain figures out if I’m sexually attracted to them and most times the answer is “no”.
I just really, really adore physical touch, kissing, making out, and playing. When I got together with my first long term partner, they would touch me all the damn time. On my back, my arm, my neck, my hair, etc. My mom once pulled me aside to talk about it, which went something like this:
Mom: They’re always touching you.
Me: Yes, I know. It’s awesome.
Mom: But so much?
Me: Yes. I like it.
Mom: But isn’t it too much?
Me: No. I like it
Mom: I could never have someone touching me that much.
Me: Okay… Well, I’m not you and they’re not touching you.
Hugging, cuddle pile while talking or watching a movie or tv, back petting or tapping, poking to emphasize a point, playful slapping, hair brushing… I love these things. And none of these are inherently sexual to me. They’re just… touch. And I love touch.
But then there’s sexual touch. While I’ve had and have LOTS (and lots) of ideas…I can be fucking filthy when it comes to ideas….these rarely translate to my nether regions until waaaaaay later. It takes a lot of energy build up, trust, and physical closeness (and making out doesn’t hurt) to really get me going. So a regular state of full blown physically horny and I are not well acquainted.
What complicates matters for me more is the fact that kink does not usually make me horny. I can do any and all kinds of play without any arousal happening, similar to kissing and making out. I remember years back when I had to keep telling someone dominant that I was talking to repeatedly that no, I was NOT wet, no matter how kinktastic our conversation got. I was not sexually attracted to that person, so therefore none of our kink interactions turned me on in that way. That doesn’t mean I didn’t want them in a kink way. It didn’t diminish them in my eyes then, but it always felt like an uphill battle to keep telling people that just because I want to kink, doesn’t mean sex is necessarily part of the experience for me.
Thankfully, there’s a much stronger, vocal contingent around now that also doesn’t usually mix sex with kink, or doesn’t mix it at all. I’m proud to be a voice in the kinky ace movement.
Which is all well and very good, but at the same time…lately I’m really fucking horny and don’t know what to do with that. I mean….yes, I know and have been doing a lot of that. I just don’t know how to reconcile it. Like, it’s new info that still feels weird and doesn’t fit right yet.
Cause…I don’t think I’ve ever, at least not in recent memory, walked around horny for prolonged periods of time. And now… I’m in the supermarket, the library, driving… suddenly my clit is all, “heeeeeeyyyyyy. Party time! Let’s get some! Look, you’re all lubed and ready to go! Time to PLAY!”
And I’m all, “ummmm…I’m at work….”
(Or on rt 80. Or in Shoprite.)
Seriously. I don’t know what the hell this walking-around-horny thing is all about. Or waking up in the middle of the night and needing some relief. Or having wet dreams. I feel like I’m almost going through a second puberty, or even a first, because the first one sure as hell wasn’t like this. I’m feeling all slinky and horny, with songs like this running in my head:
Hold me as long, as you can stand it
Hold me as long, because I need it
Hold me as long, until we make it
Take your time, take your time
I’m inviting you, I’m inviting you
Lay your hands on me
“Lay Your Hands On Me” by Beth Hart
Music makes everything easier to understand for me. This song makes me want to ask. Makes me feel slinky and sexy and horny. Without the music, it’s so much harder to ask for things. Especially things like touch. Like sensuality. Like sex. Especially sex. And especially since I’m slowly learning how to have sexual connections outside of what I consider Capital R Relationships. If I ask, chances are I’ve spent time psyching myself up to do it and also mentally preparing to hear “no”. And not in a defeatist way (though many times I have to battle that, too) but in a way that is accepting that “no” is always a valid answer to asking for something and may happen.
Also…I have a lot of interests. I gravitate towards complex connections. If one part of a connection is going well with someone and I discover interest in another type of connection with that person, I start thinking defeatist and scared things like, “I can’t possibly have ALL these different connections, can I? I’m gonna break everything if I ask if it’s possible.”
I’m grateful to have an amazingly supportive Amazon network of fierce friends who tell me regularly that I am worthy of the things I desire. That I’m not gonna break everything just for wanting. In the middle of a particularly complex evening, one of my Amazon friends looked at me and asked “why can’t you have all the things?” My therapist also asked me a similar question but ended it with “and a cookie!” Which made me laugh.
I’m getting there. Practice makes perfect and all that. I’m working on using my words to communicate desires, trying to figure out what it is I’m wanting, and…well, I’ve been enjoying the hell out of the horny, to be honest. Y’know, when I’m not in Shoprite or the library.